Fusion Fitness - The Alternate Universe of Stepford Fitness Queens

My take on Fusion Fitness:

Hmmm....where to begin. I guess first impressions. It's 9:40 on a Friday morning. I am able to go because my boss is out of town and I have the day off. I didn't think this time of day would have high traffic, however, I was sorely mistaken. There was a mad dash to get into the room. So my first (of course critical and jealous thought) is: "F these b****es that don't have to work and can work out on a Friday morning and just be hot and perfect" (minus teachers, I apologize to all teachers out there, I know you have the summer off and you deserve it and I'm sure many girls in there were teachers, so I don't include them, but the other ones? cray cray.) Anyways, about forty or so women run in with their yoga mats and grab these random tools we're supposed to collect for class. A resistance band, two "gliders" I'd never seen before and after the fact wish I never had, two hand weights, and a weird bumpy mini ball/disc thing. Oh, and how shall we describe these women? Well, how about a picture.

Yep. Gorgeous, 20s-40s, about 4 inches between their thighs, not too muscle-y, just long, lean and freaking skinny.

Wanna know what they were wearing? Okay!

Lululemon Power Y Tank. $52.00.

Lululemon Wunder Under Crop. $78.00 (but don't worry, the girls at Fusion's butts looked better than this model)

Nike Free Shoe, $100. They all had very similar lightweight shoes, all in neon colors. 

I'm really not kidding when I say that 97% of the women there were wearing the EXACT same outfit, just in different colors. My stupid Gap tank top had a HOLE in it!!!! My TJ Maxx yoga capris were pilling, and for the first time I felt that there was something wrong with my damn tennis shoes!!

Oh and I almost forgot, before class they were all wearing this, which they casually set to the side with their expensive sunglasses and keys to their Lexus SUV's.

Lululemon Instride Jacket. $108.00

So as you can infer, I felt like a loser, but at the same time I looked around and just thought, the only reason they're all wearing the exact same outfit is because at one point they were me, and they weren't wearing the uniform, and they felt like they had to buy it to fit in. Not because they actually already had the stuff. It's not some crazy coincidence, we're just back to girl world, where everyone has to dress the same and look cute. I get it. Also, I'm sure fitness clothing trends are just as pervasive as regular clothing trends, I just didn't know it because I'm clearly not livin in the fitness world.

As far as the workout went, it was crazy, hilariously, excruciatingly hard. The class I attended was called Switch UP, and required tennis shoes. Most of the classes are barefoot. Laura told me at the end of the day all their classes are about the same. So I was fire engine red, sweating like a pig, and my stupid tank top kept riding up and showing my beer belly, so maybe that's why they all wear the lululemon crap, apparently it doesn't do that, but hello!! Those people had no belly to cover!! I had to quit halfway through every move. I was going to write "pretty much every move" but that would be a lie. I quit at some point in every set. At one point I thought I would die and that I hated it, but the hour  went a lot faster than I thought it would. There was some good music which was fun. (She played Calvin Harris - Feel So Close, towards the end and I was so excited I was lungin like a machine) I wished there were modified moves for beginners, but I just tried my best.

Overall, I feel really great that I went and I'm already VERY sore. I'm sure I won't be able to move for five days. My sweet friend Laura went with me and helped me through it all, and kept telling me to ignore the people and just focus on being there for me, to feel healthy. Not to compare myself.

So I'm going to go back, I'm going to resist the urge to buy something cute to wear, and really try to stick it out. We got rid of a bunch of our channels on TV and cut our bill in half, so I'm using that money for this. It's expensive, but it's my health, and apart from my family and friends, there is nothing more important than that.

Oh and by the way, if it isn't obvious, my bitching is nothing but plain old jealousy. :) But I swear it looked like a cult of MILFs and future MILFs.